Re-evaluating your relationships and values

"Nibby" (nibby68) 08/26/2020 at 08:45 • Filed to: None

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This will be a WALL of text and word vomit. Been re-evaluating relationships with family, family friends, and our South Asian Muslim community.

Let’s start with my sister… well, the oldest one. The other one is fine. I don’t really have a good relationship with her. When she talks to me it sounds like it’s a chore for her. Her tone is so nasty and condescending. She also always criticizes everything about everyone constantly and somehow knows what’s best for everyone no matter the situation or conversation. Recently she asked me and my sister to help her assemble a TV stand for her apartment. We did it while she just sat there watching. She didn’t even feed us lunch. I also noted in her apartment she has lots of pictures… of her friends, our parents, sister, cousins, relatives and their kids… Not a single picture of me. When I have told her in the past about how she treats me she either criticizes me or throws a self-pity party. If I try to converse with her, I always get one-word answers. How’s work? OK. Anything new? Nothing. Do you wanna get ice cream? No. So there’s nothing there. She treats my parents and sister poorly as well but somehow they give her a pass and tolerate her tantrums. People outside the family have noticed and asked me “Why does she treat you like shit?” I haven’t talked to her in almost 2 weeks.

What also bothers me is how people only reach out to me if they need something. Otherwise I do not exist. There are lots of family members and family friends that I considered very close to – we were brought up together and taught early on to treat each other like siblings. Some of these people are around my age (mid-late 20s/early 30s). Some are teenagers or in college. I noted the past couple years I feel more and more distant with all of them. I would always call or text or make plans with these people. During the past few months, I haven’t seen them much due to COVID but I tried to keep in touch with them. If I don’t reach out, they never will unless they need something.

It doesn’t matter that I help assemble their furniture, or come early for family parties/gatherings to help setup while their own kids sit in their rooms on their phones or watching NetFlix, or help them when they need my truck to buy some large item, or visit their sick grandmother, or drive their kids and their friends around for their practices, or help their kids with their homework.

5 years ago my aunt and uncle moved. I was there every day for a week helping them, told my uncle what TVs to buy, prevented him from getting $100 HDMI cables, etc. We moved around a month ago and they didn’t even ask “hey how’s the move coming along?” My parents are still salty about this. It just makes us feel taken for granted.

I haven’t reached out to any of these people in months and none of them have reached out except one to discuss his fantasy football league. Just makes me wonder maybe for years I overvalued my relationships with these people. And what bothers me is I know through social media and from my sisters they all hang out with each other and talk almost daily. My sister tells me not to worry about them cause what do I have to do anyways… but at the same time she talks to them all the time. Yet me, the one who always called or checked on them, I don’t exist until I am needed. Maybe cause I don’t drink or go to bars or clubbing I’m too boring for them. Yet they hide that side of their lives from me even though I know what they’re up to cause they tell my sisters everything and through Instagram.

And as for the community, it’s all fake-nice bullshit. No one trusts each other and too many self-absorbed people. Too many social climbers. Too much gossip that ends up being used against each other. Family gatherings are once or twice a year where everyone ends up just talking to the people they talk to anyways and it looks segregated. And then there’s the fact I know several families that try to raise their kids to be good Muslims yet at religious gatherings and celebrations they drink alcohol… secretly, in their garage so their kids and parents do not know. These people are in their 40s and act like high school kids. But what bothers me the most is how sacrilegious it is to do these things DURING religious celebrations when your religion strictly forbids alcohol (anything that alters your line of thinking and/or judgment is forbidden except for medical purposes). How do you teach your kids to be good Muslims and send them to Sunday school (pretty much the same thing as church Sunday school) and then do this? Do you think they’re dumb and naïve? They notice. My parents notice. Everyone does. I wouldn’t even care if they didn’t do the whole “look, we’re a Muslim family!” spiel.

So here I am the past few months trying to figure out how to proceed. I don’t want to go to any more mosque events in the future (when it is safe to do so). I don’t even want to see any of these people right now. If I reach out to them most of the time they don’t even respond. I’ve avoided some gatherings on purpose and did not take off work for Eid a few weeks ago so I don’t have to participate in some fake family event where no one really cares. If I tell my sister or some of these people or even the one or two I really trust about this, they will blab to everyone else and my parents. They won’t listen and instead everyone just dishes out meaningless advice because they automatically know what’s best for everyone else instead of actually listening to others.

“But this is a hard and weird time for everyone!”

I get it. I truly do. But that does not mean people are exempt from reaching out to others. Or are they so self-involved in their own worlds that they forget about those who care? It just hurts and makes you think you overvalued your relationships with them for many years and feels like you do not get appreciated at all. All I ask is for reciprocity and consistency. You can’t farm barren soil.

On the plus side, I have been reunited with a high school friend and gotten closer to a couple other friends so that is really nice and I appreciate them a lot. Also, do NOT worry about me. I’ll be okay. I’ll always be okay. Honestly, I wanted to ramble.

bob and john > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:01

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rambling is good.

there is a saying. ‘blood of the covenant is thinking then water of the womb’

just because someone is family to you doesnt mean you HAVE to be friends with them. I dont think I’ve started contact with any family member in...ooof, 4 years? other then the odd meme sent to one another.

Different people, different lives. Maybe I’m the cynical asshole, but there are MAAYYBBBEEEE 3 or 4 people that i actually go and hang out with? none of which are in my family.

like you, I try to activly avoid family gatherings. To the point where i had a younger family member mention exactly that. ‘Peter doesnt make an effort’

well, if i dont do anything you like, and you dont do anything i like...why subject each other to the others company if we arent enjoying it? 

GoodIdeaAtTheTime > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:11

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I am closer to my friends than my own family. I cut ties with them almost 20 years ago. Hell, I am closer to my mother-in-law, a very lovely woman. than I ever was with my own parents. I still consistently talk with 1 brother and another sister-in-law . But to the rest, I am the family pariah, and the gossip I hear is great . The only one active in the lqbtq community. The only one seeking out modern medicine for my health and mental problems, instead of just drinking alcohol. In large quantities . Which they tried to force on me when I visited a cousin. They took it as an invitation to visit, so my family drove for hours to visit, I could see the strain on my cousin’s attitude, and my wife wasn’t haven’t it. I was treated as a novelty and punching bag for their jokes. It will be a while before I go back. Never before had I looked forward to 8 hours in my little car.

So I fee l your pain and frustrations. Family sucks. No other way around it.

Sorry for the utter incoherence of it, my meds make me loopy sometimes.

Nibby > bob and john 08/26/2020 at 09:11

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100% understand... and it’s alos like

even if you don’t have anything in common there’s no reason not to just be good to each other. we’re all human and have our own shit to deal with at the end of the day so being supportive of each other is, at least i think, much better than bottling shit up and not wanting to deal

hillrat > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:12

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First and foremost, it’s OK to not be OK right now. Things are very chaotic and messed up and we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, so if you’re that “go to” guy in your immediate and extended family that handles things for everyone it’s very understandable that you would feel some additional stress.

One thing I believe binds us together as Oppos is the spirit of “Essayons” or “let us try”. Everyone here has stories of repairs/upgrades gone horribly wrong and most of us here probably occupy a similar role in our families. That guy people call when they don’t know what else to do, it feels good to be needed and valued and it can also be exhausting. The lesson I’m currently learning is that it’s OK to say, “No” to people who ask for my help. Give yourself permission to put yourself first and say no when you need a break, I was amazed to realize that people figure something else out when I don’t help them!!!

For Sweden > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:13

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You will always have habibis here

Merkin Muffley > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:19

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People are awful.

That's all I have. Oh, and I'm sorry. That people are awful. 

Nibby > hillrat 08/26/2020 at 09:19

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yea it’s pretty fun to see all the wacky projects, car or non-car related, people here do. honestly it’s inspiring and helps me (and others) solve similar issues or gives new motivation/ideas

Nibby > For Sweden 08/26/2020 at 09:19

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Nibby > GoodIdeaAtTheTime 08/26/2020 at 09:23

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yea the nice thing i learned is that you can’t pick your family but you can pick who you consider family. thanks for sharing your insights and stories... sorry your family did that to you but also don’t worry about them not understanding or “getting” you

TheRealBicycleBuck > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:27

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As they say, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. (There’s a version of that which says you can pick your friends, but shouldn’t pick your friend’s nose.)

What you are experiencing is normal for certain personality types. Welcome to the club. I speak to two of my uncles once or twice a year. The others, not nearly as often. In fact, I hadn’t spoken to one of them in over a decade and I haven’t spoken to him since my mom’s funeral over three years ago. I talked to one of my first cousins recently for the first time in over 10 years. I haven’t seen or spoken with his brother since about 1992.

My wife is the social butterfly who speaks to everyone in her immediate family at least once a week and to her mom every day.

It’s hard to establish relationships when there are few common interests. That’s why so many families fall back to gossiping about each other. It’s the primary topic between my wife and her extensive family. It’s also why I have a hard time connecting with them and even my own family. M y family aren’t gossipers and being a rather small family, there aren’t that many of us to talk about. :)

It’s probably why I tend to be so verbose on Oppo. There are enough people around here to make it easy to find someone to connect with. We also have a good starting point for a conversation. It’s a (generally) supportive group, not prone to gossip about each other, with a wide variety of things going on that we all like chat about.

Don’t worry so much about family. They’ll always be there to use you, gossip about you, and judge your actions. Find some good friends and make a solid connection. Friends are the people who will get you through life. Friends choose each other because they like each other. Family will be tolerant of your quirks because  you’re family. Friends will be tolerant of your quirks because theirs are the same.

Just Jeepin' > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:37

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One piece of advice I’ll offer.

I abandoned my family for several years. I was distracted and un/ underemployed and just not in a good place.

Now that I’m older I’ve tried to establish a relationship with my nephews and nieces but it’s hard. They don’t have particularly fond memories of me while growing up because I wasn’t there to give them any.

So just be aware that it’s hard to undo collateral damage. I understand why you feel the way you do, but if there is anyone in your family you do want to keep a relationship with, don’t let the negativity keep you away from them if you can help it.

Nibby > TheRealBicycleBuck 08/26/2020 at 09:39

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thanks for your kind words and support... this place is awesome and there’s many reasons why i stick around for 10+ years already

you’re spot on about not being able to pick family but you can pick who you CONSIDER family! also i’ve gotten quite close to a couple friends the past year or 2 and it’s great. it actually surprises me sometimes how good they are to me cause i’m not used to it

Nibby > Just Jeepin' 08/26/2020 at 09:44

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yeah i understand that... in terms of my immediate family i get along with everyone except for that one sister i mentioned but that’s cause i can’t deal with her nonsense

i haven’t really cut off anyone moreso just not reached out to anyone in months

sn4cktimes > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:46

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A lot of people use the saying blood is thicker than water. I say bullshit. Family and friends are people you care about who return the sentiment. If they don’t or won’t then abandon them (barring some condition like depression... but even that has a limit). Life is too short for that shit. Here’s 2 cold hard examples.

My Grandpa remarried before I was born. My actual, by blood, paternal Grandmother always treated my sister and I like second class grandkids. She never called on birthdays or Christmas. When she died I didn’t go to her funeral. I asked my dad if HE needed me there, and he didn’t. She was never a “Grandma”, she never tried to be family. My other non- blood relation Grandma cares about me, calls me just to say hey, has me over for dinner, has NEVER missed a bday or Christmas. She IS family. I’d “ break my back” for her.

The wife and I had another couple as friends just out of university. We noticed we always did the planning and activity organizing with them. I put my foot down one night decided we would just not contact them for a year, and if they never attempted to get a hold of us it was friends off time. They never did so we moved on. We have other better friends that make an effort now.

Here’s the cold short-take: Relationships are a two- way street. Make your displeasure known to those you think are worth it so they have THE chance, and if they don’t change it’s on them, and you can move on with a  clear conscience. S traight up leave the rest behind. You’re better than that. You deserve fair relationships.

BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:51

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I feel the same was as you - the only times (most) people contact me is when they want/need something. I think it’s unfortunately extremely common among most interpersonal relationships. For a long time, I compensated by trying to be overly useful and helpful in order to feel valued - and that’s a zero sum game.

Good luck. But don’t feel bad if you’re unable or unwilling to have these people in your life. There’s plenty of better, more understanding humans (and dogs!) out there. 

Nibby > BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind 08/26/2020 at 09:56

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For a long time, I compensated by trying to be overly useful and helpful in order to feel valued - and that’s a zero sum game.

yo holy shit this just like cleared up the clouds in my sky, thanks a lot!

bob and john > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 09:57

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100%. We are all human. be reasonable. sure, you dont like family A. for whatever reason. doesn’t mean you cant be pleasant around them, esp as you only see each other 2 or 3 times a year.

Nibby > sn4cktimes 08/26/2020 at 10:00

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yes i do need to clear it up with some people but it also involves my parents feeling the same way i do towards their family as well... a family that my parents would consider closest to them than their own. (it helps my entire mom’s side of the family is across the globe)

just need to figure out how to get that message across but i will do it in person

TheRealBicycleBuck > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 10:01

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You’re right, Oppo is awesome!

I’m glad you’ve found some great friends. I may not speak to many of my in-real-life friends regularly, but when we do get a chance to visit, we pick up right where we left off without any resentment about how long it’s been. We’re happy to talk again.

One way to stay connected to your family is to continue providing assistance, but only do it on your terms. My own mom was using me as tech support for a while. I was happy to do it for a while, but it was difficult to do remotely. We lived about 12 hours away. On one of my trips to see her, she asked me to do some work on her computer. I ended up spending an entire day of my vacation just fixing her computer. After that, I recommended that she start taking her computer problems to the local mom and pop computer shop. My time with her was limited and I didn’t want to spend it sitting in front of a computer. It made more sense for her to find local resources instead. Once that boundary was set, visits home were more pleasant.

Find your boundaries and stick to them. Be willing to help, but only on your terms. Boundaries help you define your relationship with your family and create a sense of self-respect. Those boundaries will also make or break your relationships within your family. Nobody can walk on a person who doesn’t lie down first.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 10:04

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Build those healthy friendships and make those bonds as tight as brother/sister , and stay close & connected with family that shows you love, without completely closing the door to those who treat you poorly (hopefully they’ll realize their mistakes before long). If it makes you feel good to help family & friends when then need a hand, keep doing it, but if it just leads to frustration, just learn to say “no” sometimes.

My family is really tight, but we sometimes allow time to pass without checking in enough (we’re all guilty of this). We are spread out all of the country, and don’t see each other nearly as much as I’d like. Thankfully when we come together it’s just like we were never apart.

Tripper > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 10:06

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“prevented him from getting $100 HDMI cables, etc.”

You’re doing gods work here buddy. I actually got in an argument with a “monster cable” rep when I worked for circuit city. He did his whole schpeel and I was like, “Ok, I get the “tech” and material quality behind your cables, but you can’t tell me that the human eye can detect the difference between this cable and the one that Comcast gives you with the cable box...” He was unreasonably upset.

I have even worse feelings about a lot of my family, which is why I am still so tight will all of my childhood/teenage friends. Even there, relationships are work. I reach out more than most of my crew knowing they probably won’t reciprocate, but if I didn’t the relationships would fizzle and I don’t want that.

Anyway good ramblings.

Nibby > TheRealBicycleBuck 08/26/2020 at 10:08

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Amen brother. Thanks. I need to do that with my sister and some relatives. One of my cousins only reaches out to me for computer stuff but I make him pay me lol

Nibby > bob and john 08/26/2020 at 10:10

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yea honestly i think about it and it is a bit of a blessing... afaik i have no enemies :P

Nibby > Tripper 08/26/2020 at 10:12

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lol yeah i ended up finding 5 HDMI cables for like $20 shipped on monoprice or firefold for him that evening after explaining to him a cable is a fucking cable

i’ve blamed myself for letting relationships die but they’re often similar to yours... where you and me do most, if not, all the work

TheRealBicycleBuck > sn4cktimes 08/26/2020 at 10:16

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My maternal grandfather pretty much ignored me. We lived 9 hours away, so it wasn’t a surprise. My mom was angry that I didn’t attend his funeral. I reminded her that I had visited him perhaps four or five times when I was a kid and he never contacted me for birthdays or holidays. When we did visit, he didn’t spend any time with me at all. It was all spent in adult conversation with my mom and her siblings. I knew him about as well as the random stranger on the street.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > bob and john 08/26/2020 at 10:19

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Advice from a old man follows :

Do you avoid family gatherings because they’re boring to you, or because it’s often a toxic/unhealthy environment? If only the former, I’d encourage you to “make an effort” at least once or twice a year to, at the very least, maintain these family connections and not let them wither completely. If the latter, I’m sorry that’s the case.

I’m fortunate: I have a big, loving family and we all get along well and enjoy each other’s company, so it’s not hard for me. But beside that, the sense of security I have in a supportive family, knowing that whatever might go wrong in my life or whatever mistake I might make I have a group of people that will have my back and who will feed me and give me a place to sleep if I need it is a big thing (and it’s important to me that they know that I’m there for them, just the same).

Far too many people do not have this kind of safety net these days.

gmctavish needs more space > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 10:25

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A few years ago I thinned the herd of who I considered friends. For similar reasons - I was only called if they needed something from me. That also went with not having the time or energy to maintain that many friendships with normal adult life going on as well. I still have friends that I’ve had for years, but they’re close friends that don’t take advantage of each other.

Some of those friendships were tough to abandon, but ultimately for the best. It’s not good to let someone be bigger in your life than you are in theirs.

I’m close with my parents, and I’m close with my sister, even though we don’t talk much. She lives in a different city, and we’ve never texted each other or talked on the phone, but when we’re in the same city we just pick up where we left off. My grandparents are all dead, and all my extended family on my moms side always get together about once a year, but I don’t talk with them much other than that. That’s just normal for my family I think. On my dads side, none of of my family gets along too well with any of them, so we only see them at the odd family reunion, except for a couple aunts we see more often. We used to see them more often when my grandparents were alive, but not anymore. Although it’s worth saying that all of my extended family lives at least 3 hours away. Very different from my girlfriends family, which has taken some getting used to for me . Lots of her extended family see each other like once a month, and talk on the phone and facebook all the time.

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 10:50

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Sounds like my mom’s side of the family. They’re not Muslim, but they’re Guyanese and Hindu and take themselves way too seriously. They’ve caused my family’s suffering because they didn’t like my “spick” dad. They’ve h eld financial control over my mom and dad because they were living with them as 17-1 8 year olds who were married and thus believe that my parents owe them everything. The thing is, they wouldn’t let them leave and every day would treat them like dog shit marinating on the sidewalk in 100 degree weather just because everything my parents did went against their corrupt, old school and bullshit (not sorry) beliefs. I’m fine with people having their own religion or whatever, but the second you try to use it as an excuse for some serious fuck shit like being mentally and even physically abusive, or believ ing that you could do such things and then “pray and it all goes away/gets forgiven” then fuck you. And that’s exactly the type of people they are to this day. They’ve caused my mother a stress and hit induced miscarriage, they’ve stressed my dad out and treated him like shit when he got lupus because they literally said they wanted him to have a flare up and die to get their daughter and grandkids back. All they do is that, and praise how Hindu they are and whatever, talk shit and beef within their family, act fake-nice to everyone and talk shit behind their back, always start shit and screw each other over and act like fucking benevolent children who think they’re in a reality show or drama (all they watch on TV, by the way) and it’s a neverending cycle of oldhead bullshit that they try to drag the younger generation in because “that’s how it should be”. So if family is on some top tier bullshit, don’t feel bad to drop them and never look back. Yeah, there’s the good ones still and you should definitely continue to be close with them, but that doesn’t mean you have to deal with all the other ones if you don’t want to. You’re not obligated to them, especially if they’re fake like you say. It’s not wrong to distance yourself, it might be to them and they might make a fuss that they can’t use you when convenient but then tell yourself, who cares? They don’t actually care as proven through the years, and no longer have control if you remove them from your life and focus on you. All I’m saying is, you’re not alone in that type of situation and if you need advice or something I’m here even though I’m just some random 17 year old off the internet. It’s gonna be alright in the end, don’t let them affect you anymore. Thanks for coming to my TED talk

bob and john > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 08/26/2020 at 10:51

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a bit of both tbh.

I know I get judged as I’m the only one who has failed a university. Everyone is pleasent about it, but I kinda get the vibe off of them.

I should make more of an effort. but i simply do not connect with any of my family. even my cousins, who I spent a lot of my childhood with, I dont see anymore. 

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > bob and john 08/26/2020 at 11:08

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That’s tough. Sorry to hear it.

I have a niece who has some issues with depression & anxiety. She’s very, very smart, but chose not to go to college and works nights cleaning at a nice hotel (a job she enjoys). Family gatherings are tough for her, too, and she’s even distancing herself more from her parents (not communicating regularly). We all just want her company and to love on her, but it’s hard for her, regardless. Her little brother is married now, with a good job, a kid on the way, and just bought a house, so that surely doesn’t help when she considers how others might perceive her by comparison...

I’d encourage you to make the effort, despite the challenges . Even if it’s hard for you not to feel judged at times , just do your best to put those thoughts out of your mind and enjoy their company with the mindset that they truly want the best for you . Find commonalities, even if it’s talking about fun/stupid things you did as kids (or learning about the lives of the older generation). I do much better with conversation while doing something else - playing cards, shooting pool, throwing darts, etc.

Nibby > gmctavish needs more space 08/26/2020 at 11:46

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You know it’s weird how families grow apart after a grandparent passes. I’ve noticed this too. everyone’s got some strange family dynamics going on and I wish people would reserve judgment. My issue is everyone in my family is a critic and knows best.

i’m happy you’re close to your parents and sister... even if you don’t talk daily you have solace and trust in their love

Jim Spanfeller > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 11:50

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Wow... Dude, that sucks. This made me realize how lucky I am to have a good relationship with my family. I think the closest thing to your experience I’ve ever had was just having to cut ties with the first friend I ever bonded with over cars... I thought we were going to be close friends at first because we shared a lot of interests, liked to joke around a lot, and none of my friends had ever really shared my fascination with cars before so I finally had someone to talk to about it. The next year, he completely changed. He seemingly lost any desire to work or pursue any of the goals he’d talked about, and responded with aggression any time I tried to talk to him or motivate him to just do something. What’s more, in the automotive class we shared, almost everyone else was a bully. It would’ve been much easier to face that with a friend, but he abandoned me. It was hard to let go, but it was for the best. I still miss the relationship we used to have, but it’s not worth putting up with his crap. Besides, Oppo is partially filling that void now.

Nibby > HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute 08/26/2020 at 12:00

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hehe yea i am quite familiar with hindu and guyanese families... in those religions and cultures (and same with many muslim ones as well) there’s a big family emphasis on traditionalism and image... so if you do not do things the way they want they will judge you

and don’t get me started on the whole being disrespectful to people who choose to marry outside of their own ethnicity and/or religion

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 12:11

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Just for marrying my dad, they went from judging to passing judgment. But yeah, I’m not a big religion guy no matter what the religion is because there’s always a large number of people who only us it as an excuse to do wrong because they will be forgive. If you follow religion good for you, but the second it gets on some bullshit to affect people negatively “in the name of religion” then respectfully, fuck that shit. But as with everything, not everyone is like that so in face value I have respect for it and people who practice. But yeah, speaking as someone who grew up with Hindu family, that old school mentality that the older gen has along with the Hindu beliefs  is just not good lol

Nibby > Jim Spanfeller 08/26/2020 at 12:13

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yea sometimes it hurts a lot but it is best to move on when you notice someone you are close to has changed a lot and it reaches a point of no return... no point of trying to force something that isn’t there

Nibby > HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute 08/26/2020 at 12:14

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the beliefs aren’t the problem

people are free to pick and choose from their religion

the issue is people need to understand ok most major religious texts were written over 1,000 years ago so you have to consider the time and context

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 12:18

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That is true, I didn’t mean i necessarily had a problem with the beliefs themselves, more of j ust the way they are interpreted by many people

VincentMalamute-Kim > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 12:35

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People have said most of what needed to be said. If you have toxic people, that’s easy; get rid of them. What to do is more difficult if they’re fine people but not reciprocating your friendship.

And family doesn’t matter. I cut off relationships with my brother after realizing it’s not worth it.

One point that I haven’t seen brought up is that maybe there is something else going on with some of these people with whom you feel you have a one sided relationship. I deal with fairly bad anxiety and it is very difficult for me to initiate any kind of social contact. Plan or initiate an outing or just check up on friends is not something I can do.

Making a call or even sending an email is just about impossible for me. If I were your friend, I bet I would look like what you complain about. No reciprocity. Even when I value your friendship. You would think VincentMalamute is not a good friend and not worth the effort when the truth is, he has issues that make it look like that to you . From what you write, it doesn’t sound like this is the case. Just a thought.

The inverse of that thought is ‘is there anything going on with you?’. Again, it doesn’t sound like it but are there any issues with you that are preventing you from perceiving this situation accurately? And preventing you from having an appropriate response? Please don’t take that as an insult or accusation. It’s just a possibility that occurred to me.

Tapas > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 14:38

2

This sucks.

I think when we ’re younger, we ’re close to family just because they’re your family. Not necessarily because they’re good people.

When you’re older and have the freedom to select your own circle of close people , you can really chose which of the family members are a part of that and which ones aren’t.

If you have family members that don’t show the same support and affection that you give out, it’s best to keep them at a comfortable distance.

Tapas > HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute 08/26/2020 at 14:43

0

That sounds excruciating.

I’m from a H indu background but thankfuly  have more progressive parents. While I don’t have to deal with the same amount of vile, toxic bullshit, I can definitely see cracks what I believed my parents stood for when I do something they don’t approve of.

Their reaction and advice for me to do what they want out of concern for me becomes an emotional imposition on my life.

Nibby > Tapas 08/26/2020 at 15:05

1

yea i try with my sister to just be amicable but i think i get too nice and give in to her fits too much

CB > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 17:05

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You said you just want to ramble, so I’ll offer a wholehearted that sucks man. Family and friendships are difficult things.

Tapas > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 18:33

1

I hear you. Hope you find peace with how things are and strike a balance in your relationship.

Nibby > Tapas 08/26/2020 at 18:37

1

thanks mate

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Nibby 08/26/2020 at 22:29

1

Rant away friend. :)

Can’t say I am in a 100% similar situation, but I somewhat am with friends and family. Dad cheated on mom when I was a teenager and left her. Mom pretty much finished raising us and he turned the rest of his side of the family against her claiming that she had corrupted my twin bro and I to turn against him....not true, we had decided that on our own when he decided to cheat on mom...hard to trust your own father when he’s sneaking around with another woman under your and your mother’s nose. We have pretty much no contact with his side of the family nowadays...

As for friends, I’ve drifted away from a lot of the friends I had in uni....most of them have moved away, which made it hard to stay in contact, so for them...well...we all just drifted apart, despite being really close back then.

My main circle of friends is the same 4 or so I’ve had since Jr. High with one from uni that I am still good friends with. That being said, we were always ‘tech’ nerds and big into computer gaming and stuff...they still are, and I still am, to some extent. They all still work in IT, so it’s their jobs day-in, day-out. I do computer work on the side from teaching too, so it is for me as well somewhat, but I guess I’m just not all that fully ‘into’ it as I used to be...cars are my big passion, really.

One of my friends was also really into cars , but he’s not at all now...lost interest over time and then he started his own family (one baby on the way, a pair of 1yr-old twins and his wife has a 6 year old from a previous marriage), so I can understand he wouldn’t have time now anyway. My friend from uni was also into cars but is less so now too...I did a lot of TSD rallies (NOT stage rallies!) with him back in the day and came in the top 3 of two annual championships as his navigator . I feel like I’ve drifted away from them all a little bit as time passes. Weirdly, I think some of the people I talk most to are some Oppos I chat with outside of the Oppo site proper!

Nibby > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 08/27/2020 at 08:31

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thanks for sharing... yea this place is great. a lot of people have common interests outside of cars. one day i will take  over this place and make everything run in netscape for windows 95 compatiblility

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Nibby 08/27/2020 at 11:56

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Why not Internet Explorer for Windows 3.1? :P

Noodles > Nibby 08/27/2020 at 12:04

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I cut ties with all my self involved friends and family a couple years ago. It was hard at first, but I’m so much happier without them in my life.

Your happiness is more important.

Nibby > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 08/27/2020 at 12:04

1

that’s just used to download netscape

Stef Schrader > Nibby 08/28/2020 at 12:49

1

Rambling can be useful sometimes. Sorry, man.

Nibby > Stef Schrader 08/28/2020 at 16:28

0

thanks... how are you doing?

Stef Schrader > Nibby 09/18/2020 at 09:22

0

Oh, gosh. Crap. I’m just so angry all the time lately that other people are doing everything within their power to drag out the worst of this stupid pandemic, all while every job I wanted went on hold for said pandemic. I’ve lost all hope that anything might get better ‘round here.

Nibby > Stef Schrader 09/18/2020 at 09:59

1

it’s really easy to lose hope and give up on the fact things will get better but it will.... whether it is a few months or a year from now. be patient and try to keep your head up and shove aside the negative feedback loop!

Stef Schrader > Nibby 09/18/2020 at 11:46

0

I’m trying. Actually having a productive morning after getting way too little done yesterday.

Nibby > Stef Schrader 09/18/2020 at 12:06

1

awesome! one day at a time yo